If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
