I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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