That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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