cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
