I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
