he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
