On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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