so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
