I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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