you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize