If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
