You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
