sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
