How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
