my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
