I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize