Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
