i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
