i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
