Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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