i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
