A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
a search helicopter?!
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
