Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
