I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
