Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
