She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
