Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
