I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
