I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize