She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
