Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
