I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize