I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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