I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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