We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
