I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize