I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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