Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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