I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
