don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize