I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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