I skipped work to stalk him.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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