And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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