pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
