I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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