Your face is a jimmy john
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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