He disabled his match.com account in front of me
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
