I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
