me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
