I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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