New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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