My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
