I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
