OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
