Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
