My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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