if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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