I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
