Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
