i just wanna soil my oats bro
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
