she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
