I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
